


feeling all my hunger

by worry



Category: Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst(tm) because apparently that's all i write now, M/M, Stop Hating Anatole Kuragin 2k16, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 11:22:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7313200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> Oh, my angel, my mother-</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> <br/> </p><p>The last thing that he sees before collapsing is Anatole's face.</p><p>Anatole looks as if he's been shot himself.</p><p>(Or: Fedya Dolokhov is fierce. Fierce, and scattered.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	feeling all my hunger

ii.

 

The last thing that he sees before he collapses is Anatole's face, the last thing that he hears before collapsing is Anatole's  _screams,_ the last thing that he feels before collapsing is Anatole's hands—

 

It takes him a while to realize that he has been shot. Something inside of him is twisting —  _oh, my angel, my mother —_ and he looks down at his body and there is  _blood._ Pain. He doesn't notice his own pain until he sees the look on Anatole's face; a look that tells him _Anatole_ is in pain,  _Anatole_ looks _scared,_ Anatole is not _scared,_ Dolokhov should be the scared one, Anatole doesn't—

 

Everything is—

 

Darkness. There's darkness, and Anatole—

 

_Oh, my angel, my mother—_

 

_did you really think that Anatole would—_

_that Anatole_ could—

 

_that Anatole is—_

 

The last thing that he sees before collapsing is Anatole's face.

 

Anatole looks as if he's been shot himself.

 

_My adored angel—_

 

_did you really think—_

 

x.

 

He doesn't like to be called  _Fedya._

 

It's a word that is rarely uttered, and for good reason. His full name is a small void; where there is Fedya, there is nothing. No one is home, in this house. Where there is Dolokhov, there is something complete - a completing cycle, a snake eating itself, a broken object being replaced. Something  _better._

 

Fedya is not  _better._

 

 _And then -_ and then Anatole comes along. 

 

"Fedya," Anatole says, and his face turns sour, "I am sorry. I know you are uncomfortable with that, I _—"_

 

"It's fine," Dolokhov says, "only when it comes from you. With anyone else, I would correct them, but you - you are special. I can't figure out why."

 

Anatole's smile is like warmth.

 

Here's why Anatole is different: Anatole is the only one who has ever  _cared_ about Dolokhov's name.

 

iii.

 

Anatole visits him often as he recovers.

 

He says things like:  _I'm sorry._

 

He says things like:  _I could have stopped Pierre. I didn't, and that will forever haunt me._

 

Dolokhov says things like:  _it's okay, Anatole. You are here now. That's all that matters._

 

Dolokhov says things like:  _I do not blame you. You don't have to be sorry. You - all that you need to do is be here._

 

Dolokhov doesn't say anything like:  _I love you, and I could never be mad at you._

 

xiii.

 

"Do you ever read stories," Dolokhov asks as he takes a sip of wine.

 

"What kind of stories?" Anatole replies. He stares at Dolokhov with wide open, wondering eyes, and Dolokhov takes another sip of wine, he'll need it, Anatole is looking at him and Anatole is beautiful and _—_

 

The wine is bitter. 

 

He pours himself another glass.

 

"Stories like _—_ " Dolokhov stops, unsure. He's not sure why he asked. "Like the kind that you read to children to get them to sleep. Stories with happy endings."

 

"Sometimes," Anatole admits, "I like to think about happy endings."

 

"Do you think we'll ever get one?" Dolokhov asks. 

 

The words sound too much like a plead. He says it like they're something other than friends. The words sound too much like a  _beg._

 

"I hope so."

 

The wine tastes like sorrow. 

 

The wine tastes like wine, and Dolokhov's mouth... Dolokhov's _mouth_ is filled with sorrow.

 

v.

 

Dolokhov jerks awake.

 

Anatole is sitting on his bed.

 

In any other situation, he would be grateful. In any other situation, he would treat this as some sort of gift from God. God has made Dolokhov as he is, which nowadays seems more like a curse than a gift. God has made him. 

 

This is torturous.

 

In this situation, there is pain. In this situation, Dolokhov has been shot, and he's still unable to comprehend the meaning of Anatole on his bed. Anatole, waiting for him to awaken. Anatole, saying:

 

"I brought you something to distract you."

 

He hands Dolokhov a single rose.

 

"Where did you get this?" he asks. 

 

This kind of gesture only happens in Dolokhov's dreams.

 

"I..." Anatole's face looks distant. "Bought it."

 

"Why?"

 

"A rose has a beautiful and sweet smell. Every time that you hurt, the scent of the flower will distract you from the pain."

 

"Roses die," Dolokhov says.

 

"By the time it dies," Anatole says, "you will be recovered."

 

"How do you know that?"

 

"Because I want it to be true, so it will be true," Anatole says.

 

He leaves without another word.

 

_Oh, my angel, my mother, my adored-_

 

_did you ever think that this would-_

 

vi.

 

Every time that it hurts, he presses the rose to his face.

 

Anatole was right.

 

xxiv.

 

He realizes that he loves Anatole when it rains.

 

Anatole's uniform is unbuttoned.

 

He holds an umbrella over Dolokhov, and leaves himself to be soaked.

 

Anatole's uniform is unbuttoned.

 

"You're getting wet," Dolokhov notes.

 

Anatole's uniform is unbuttoned.

 

"I don't mind."

 

Anatole's uniform is unbuttoned.

 

"Why are you doing this?"

 

Anatole's uniform is unbuttoned.

 

"Because I know you would do the same for me."

 

Anatole's uniform is unbuttoned.

 

Anatole's uniform is unbuttoned, and Anatole is soaking wet, and Dolokhov  _loves him._

 

It's not right.

 

(Anatole's uniform is _—_ )

 

 

vii.

 

He writes a love letter in his bed.

 

 _Dolokhov,_ he writes,  _Fedya—_

 

_I must love you or die._

 

_I must love you or die._

 

_If you love me, say yes, and I will come and steal you away, steal you out of the dark._

 

_I must love you or di—_

 

He crosses out his name and writes  _Natalie,_ as requested.

 

 _ ~~Fedya Dolokhov~~_   ~~~~Natalya Rostova.

 

_Dear Natalie,_

 

_Natalie, Natalie, Natalie—_

 

L.

 

A list of things that he will never say:

 

_I love you_

 

_I need you_

 

_Don't leave me_

 

_The last thing I saw before I collapsed was you_

 

_I hate you_

 

_I hate you for making me feel this way_

 

_I could never hate you_

 

_I hate you_

 

_God has made me as I am and what I am is not right_

 

_God has made you as you are_

 

_I used to think the war could never touch me but I have been scathed_

 

_Maybe I drink too much_

 

_Maybe I need to drink more_

 

_Maybe I should leave Moscow_

 

_Maybe. Maybe. I—_

 

i.

 

Pierre shoots him.

 

Anatole screams.

 

"Dolokhov," he says, "are you okay?"

 

Pierre shoots him.

 

Anatole screams, and Dolokhov says nothing back. It's not real. This is not real.

 

C.

 

He still has the scar from the wound years later.

 

He has many scars.

 

CI.

 

Whenever he misses Anatole, he picks up a rose.

 

It almost works.

 

i.

 

"Dolokhov, are you okay?"

 

CC.

 

"Dolokhov," Anatole asks when he comes back and Dolokhov stops missing him, "do you ever read stories?"

 

"I asked you that, once," Dolokhov says.

 

"Do you still want a happy ending?"

 

"I have scars," Dolokhov says, "I used to be better."

 

"Do you still want a happy ending?" Anatole repeats.

 

"You are the closest thing to a happy ending I will ever get, my friend."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

( _i._

 

_Pierre shoots him._

 

 

_Dolokhov says:_

 

_if you are the last thing that I ever see, I will die satisfied.)_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Haha so this is????? Confusing????? but basically i was listening to the duel and this, Happened, so? also stop being mean to anatole kuragin 2kforever. yeah. pls tell me what u think c:


End file.
